Tag Archives: Relationships

There’s More to Life Than Marriage, Baby-Making, and Big Corporate Careers

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A friend I was very close with just six months ago is now engaged to a girl he met six months ago. In that time he’s neglected nearly every relationship besides “the love of his life,” and shunned others’ efforts to connect. That’s his prerogative, I’m not here to criticize him. However, sadly, this type of thing is not at all uncommon.

I can’t even count how many people I’ve once been close to who have kids or are pregnant. They don’t talk to me anymore either. Although I understand that family comes first, it amazes me how many people are willing to sacrifice every other social relationship to spend time with their little “bundle of joy.”

Suddenly people I used to talk to all the time don’t have time for me because they’re working 12-hour days and continually traveling across the country for their prestigious jobs. Work and subsistence are important, but at what expense?

It can be frustrating to put effort into a relationship, only to have the other person refuse to reciprocate. Life, experience, and readiness vary from person to person, I understand that. Maybe at my age some people are ready for the big commitments, but I honestly don’t believe most are. At least within my circles, it seems as if these individuals are trying to fill an abysmal void with external caulk rather than examine themselves and fill in the blanks.

There’s more to life than marriage, baby-making, and big corporate careers. Twenty-five (and counting) Facebook friends agree.

I know so many people jumping into huge life decisions and I feel like there’s some socially undefined realm between college graduation and marriage that people forget about – a period that involves self-discovery, experiencing the world, shaping your views, figuring out what you want out of life and what you have to contribute.

Marriage, kids, and traditional employment are not obligatory and there is no set timeline. There is so much more to life, for instance friendships. In my opinion, if any of these big life decisions require you to sacrifice the people who mean the most to you, I would honestly advise you to reconsider. Not for my sake or for your friends, but for yourself. What’s going to happen when your marriage falls apart, your child resents you, or you lose your job? Who will you have to turn to once you’ve turned your back on everyone who once  cared about and would have done anything in the world for you?

I don’t mean to sound bitter or pessimistic, but I can’t imagine having to choose between friends, family, and lovers. The choice shouldn’t be necessary. The most successful romantic relationships I’ve seen are those in which the individuals are able to aptly balance all of their social relationships, as well as other obligations. It’s not about hitting the milestones at the proper rate, I’d venture to say life is more about entering each milestone when you’re best prepared for it.

Selfish and Pathetic

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I don’t know whether it’s the result of being sick and exhausted, crashing into another birthday milestone, spending a month writing a depressing story, or something else entirely, but I’ve been in a strange mood on-and-off the past few days.

As I get older and accomplish more, I’m continually bombarded with the same three questions – When are you going to go back to school? Why don’t you have a boyfriend? When do you plan on getting a real job? – and each with the connotation that I should be concerned with these things. Well, I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble, but I’m not.

I’ve always loved school, but in an economy where nearly everyone is struggling to secure a steady job, I can’t help but wonder if further education is really that advantageous. Is a PhD really worth $200,000 (plus the cost of living, minus the loss of potential income during those seven years)? In all honesty, I’d rather read for pleasure, take no-credit classes, travel, and meet new people. It would definitely be cheaper, and probably far less stressful. I don’t need a huge income. I don’t have any “Life Plan,” so I think living each day to the fullest is that best option for the time being. School will always be an option, but I won’t always be young and commitment-free.

People who know me well ask me all the time about why I never date, but when I ask them what they think the reason is, it’s clear they already know the answer. “You’re really sweet, interesting, smart, and pretty, but you don’t give enough people a chance to get to know you. Guys are always staring at you and trying to flirt with you and you don’t even notice.” Oh. Well, I’m not so sure about the last part, but I definitely make minimal efforts in opening up and getting to know people. Why? I’m not sure, but my brazen answer would be that I find my own thoughts to be more interesting than most conversations. The last place someone as independent and aloof as me belongs is in a relationship. Although I suppose I understand people’s concerns in regard to my attitude, I don’t understand the rush to settle down.

What is a real job even? I’ve applied for countless salaried job and have been rejected countless times, and I’m okay with that (although I took a few months to reach this point). I was able to get a part-time entry-level job where I’m making just over minimum wage and I am beyond grateful for the income and a break from the stress of job-hunting. It doesn’t bother me that I may be overqualified for the position or taking a complete detour from my non-existent “Plan,” but the criticism and comments about how I can do better really aren’t necessary. It’s not a lifetime position, it’s simply a means towards an end, money for traveling, books, and new experiences.

I’ve had a few people suggest that I’m selfish for choosing to do my own thing rather than what’s “best” for me and my hypothetical future family. Marriage, kids, a big corporate career, and graduate school are so far off my radar. I don’t think that diverging from expectation or normalcy is selfish at all, however I feel pathetic when other people express their disappointment.

You spent four years building up an amazing resume for grad school. You’d have so much to offer in a relationship if you’d just give someone a shot. You would be a great asset to any company, don’t give up, don’t sell yourself short.

I’m happy where I am. Life is continually changing, often for the better. I don’t have the patience to sit and wait for the perfect opportunity or the perfect person to come knocking on my door. I like to believe that if I live my life doing what I love, the right circumstances will fall into my path. If I’m happy, I’ll draw more joy into my life. It may be a naïve or idealistic view, but I don’t think it’s fair for anyone else to step in and say that it’s wrong.

I want to sort out the little things before diving into the big life decisions. I may fall behind in the conventional rat race of life, but just maybe I’ll have a better understanding of things in the long run, and thus a higher likelihood of making the best decisions for myself, the people I care about, and the world I live in. I think it would be selfish to commit to something when I haven’t reached my capacity for learning, loving, and understanding; it would be selfish to confidently barge into a situation not knowing what I want, nor what I have to offer.

I admire those who, at my age, know exactly what they want and restlessly pursue all of their wildest dreams. But I’m willing to admit that I don’t know. And I’m not in any hurry to concoct the perfect life or some ideal plan. Tackling life in bite-sized pieces may look selfish and pathetic from the outside, but conquering small feats each days is personally fulfilling. Just because I’m not aiming for the mountaintop, it doesn’t mean I’m not on my way there. There’s a lot to be learned on the scenic detour.

“Hello, my name is ____ and my biggest insecurity is ____”

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If I were the master of social etiquette, that would the standard introduction.

“Hello, my name is ____ and my biggest insecurity is ____.”

I don’t like small talk, or more specifically I dislike superficial conversations. I don’t keep up with the Kardashians, I didn’t see you drunk at “that one party,” I don’t care about your new $200 cardigan, and no, for the hundredth time, that outfit does not make you look fat.

Within ten minutes of meeting someone, I can gauge with surprising accuracy whether we’ll ever talk again. I can generally tell whether or not we’ll become friends. So, what’s the big secret?

In my experience, the biggest predictor of lasting friendship is openness. The best way to secure a friend is to ask the right questions, to be sincerely interested in their story, and to reveal yourself.

What are the “right” question? Ask someone about their interests, their passions, their dreams; ask what makes them come alive. People generally like to talk about these things, but we often don’t think to ask. It’s easier to play it safe and talk about popular culture and noncontroversial topics. But what’s there to gain from that?

If you’re asking the right questions, it’s easy to become truly interested in someone else’s story. Listen to what the other person is saying and respond to what they share; let them know that you’re paying attention and that you care. The most engaging conversations involve opinions, disagreement, discussion, and dreams. Don’t be afraid to go there.

Along with learning about someone else, it’s important to be open and reveal things about yourself. No one really cares what you favorite pizza topping is. When it comes down to it, people want to know how they can fit into your life. Are your beliefs regarding politics, spirituality, or knowledge compatible? Are you able to understand and accept one another’s’ beliefs? Just because you both like pepperoni and the color blue, that doesn’t mean that you’re soul mates. I think we need to take ownership of who we are. We need to accept our gifts and challenges and learn to wear them on our sleeves.

Lately I’ve had this strong inclination to share my fears and insecurities with people I’ve just met and those with whom I’ve had a more surface relationship in the past. Although I have yet to act on the urge, it’s a liberating feeling. Being able to not only associate with, but also reveal the darkest parts of yourself is huge.

Be vulnerable; be open; be yourself. If someone reciprocates and opens up to you, they’re a keeper. If they run for the hills, they probably wouldn’t be able to handle you anyways.

If someone doesn’t ask the right questions, make good conversation, or reveal themselves right away, how can you know they’re capable of doing so in the future? I’m a very private and reserved person, so I would expect this idea to push me way out of my comfort zone. However, ironically, I find the concept of openness to be strangely comforting. If I can’t be myself when I first meet someone than I won’t ever fully open up.

How different would relationships be if people were open and honest from the outset? What if people were comfortable reveling their fears, insecurities, and weaknesses? What would be gained if perfunctory conversations were replaced by honest and sincere interactions?

I think the quality of interpersonal relationships would improve drastically. I think meaningful interactions would also boost people’s self-esteem and encourage them to embrace and further develop their authentic selves. I believe sincerity and openness are the keys to a healthy and lasting relationship, and I believe that everyone has the power to bring that to the table, to improve the quality of each interaction and, subsequently, the relationship.

What to Do When Someone Hurts You

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For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a fear of relationships. My family only needed to know so much about what was going on in my life. The fewer friends, the better. And dating was out of the question. I suppose it was a fear of getting hurt, of trusting someone so completely and then having them use that against me.

Yet, as guarded as I was, I was still hurt by the people closest to me.

When the people you care about hurt you, there are two options. You can cower away in self-pity and hopelessness, or you can continue to trust others and accept that the positives will outweight the potential for pain. I’ve done both, and I sincerely wish the first wasn’t even an option. I’m very introspective, so a single negative thought has the power to quickly be transformed into an endless strand of misery and self-loathing.

Negativity can consume you and grossly distort your view of reality. There’s little to be gained, beyond the realization that you’re caught in an unhealthy cycle and the drive to break out of it. Whether you have to fight through hopelessness to get there or immediately recognize letting go as the best option, the second response is to leave your heart open and vulnerable.

It’s hard; risk is scary. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. However, healthy relationships are worth that risk. Courage is living the life of your dreams in the face of adversity. In life, we’re going to get hurt – whether or not the inflicted pain is intentional is irrelevant. What is important is your perception and your response. Never assume that someone meant to hurt you, don’t assume that they know that your feelings have been hurt. Give others the benefit of the doubt. However, this doesn’t mean you should ignore their words or actions.

Notice patterns and learn to decipher the blurry line between honest mistakes and intentional selfishness. Some people need forgiveness, one more chance. Others need the boot. When milk goes bad, you take one sniff and know that it needs to go. It’s harder to gauge the expiration date on friendships.

I’ve clung on to a few relationships long past their expiration dates. Although I realized that the relationships were draining and harmful, it was hard to let go. When you open your heart and put a full effort into anything, it’s hard to accept that it isn’t working anymore. However, when you let go of those toxic individuals you’ll be filled with a new sense of life and fresh energy.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When someone hurts you, take a step back and look and the situation objectively. Did the other person truly intend to take advantage of or hurt me? Is this a recurring event and is it likely to happen again? What is the most effective way to deal with the situation?

When someone hurts you, the most effective response is to bravely venture back into the world with an open heart and a jar full of trust. Whether forgiveness or bridge-burning will bring you to that point is for you to decide.

Hardcore Hermitdom and Speed Dating

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I’m a bit of a hermit. Reading always trumps bar hopping and I prefer solitude over sociability any day. I have a hard time meeting people and quickly lose friends that demand too much of my attention.

One of my best friends (I’ll call him “Chester”) has the same problem. While I’m busy spinning together strings of words, Chester is writing computer programs and bobbing his head to dubstep music. We’re hardcore hermits, who happen to hang every once in a while. We also spend a lot of time discussing the trials of being socially inept via text message. We agree that being alone is fantastic 90% of the time, but the other 10% can get awful lonesome.

Most people define a friend as someone you talk to all the time, who you hang out with whenever possible. That sounds absolutely hellacious. Seeing my closest friends every week or two is plenty for me; it’s reassuring to know that someone else feels the same way. Chester and I will sometimes nudge (or violently shove) each other out of our tiny comfort zones. Occasionally, it actually works.

I want more friends and he wants more friends, but neither of us has many friends to introduce to the another; we need to work on that. He says he’d like to find a nice girl and I say I’d be happy to find a good guy, but I don’t think either of us would take advantage of the opportunity if it was standing right in front of us. He wants to make an effort to talk to people in his classes and I wish I had the initiative to do whatever it is adults are supposed to do to meet people, but both of us are shy and I would be shocked and amazed if that actually happened.

Anyways, Chester’s socially awkward friend (yes, more so either of us) has started online dating, so that’s become a topic of conversation, as of late. Apparently it’s going, “umm…okayy…I guess?… You should give it a shot, Erin!” I think I’ll pass, and I’m pretty sure you will too. I don’t think my facetious sense of humor would translate well via email – “Hi! My name is Erin and I’m overly cheerful ALL the time! I’m five years younger, two inches taller, and 15 pounds lighter right now than I’ll be when I get off the computer. I LOVE long walks on the beach and sunsets. Chocolate dipped strawberries and champagne are amazing, but I’m on a perpetual diet and I can’t hold my liquor! I can’t wait to meet my soul mate! Hopefully it’s you!!” I shouldn’t knock something I am completely unfamiliar with because who knows, maybe I’ll be in an eHarmony commercial a year from now. Haa! I just don’t think I could take it seriously.

So, online dating is out of the picture, but meeting nice people still sounds somewhat appealing. “Let’s do speed dating!” A look of horror must have filled my face as Chester suggested drowning ourselves in a sea of fast-paced desperation. I would fail so miserably at speed dating. Give me an hour with someone and they’re lucky if they walk away knowing one thing about me. Three minutes, huh? Date 1 would receive an “Uh, hi…Erin.” By Date 2, maybe an “ah” or an “oh,” accompanied by a slight nod. By Date 3, I’ll have fallen into nervous hysterics and inevitably scared away Dates 4 through 129. Maybe I’ll just scribble down the essentials for the prospects:

“Sure I’ll date you, but please know you’ll essentially be my pet fish. I’ll feed you and look at you when I think about it. I’ll quickly grow bored of you, so you better know some neat tricks. If not, I’ll poke you and feed you saltines to see what happens. You’ll be my pet fish. But remember, you’re still just a goldfish.”

Is that too harsh? Don’t worry, dear friends. I don’t even date; I don’t subject people to my cruel ”I’m going to live my own life and spend time with you when I feel like it” mindset. For the time being, I just joke with my fellow wallflowers about it. I’m actually not that bad. In the case you were considering the submission of a pet goldfish application, I promise I would give you all the loving an aquatic pet could ask for.

If anyone has any amusing online dating or speed dating stories, I’m interested. Or if anyone has any suggestions as to where a 20-something male can meet a nice girl, I bet Chester would appreciate that…because apparently “alone in her bedroom” isn’t a good answer.

Why Does Love Hurt?

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“Please describe why love hurts.”

This is the first topic I’ve had a reader request I talk about. It’s a tricky one, but I’ll answer the best I can.

First and foremost, we should figure out what love is. Love as we understand it is a myth. Love is an emotional response due to the triggering of neurotransmitters in the brain and the release of neuromodulators, such as oxytocin. Love is a perception, a judgement, an evaluation. Okay, now let’s ignore my background in science for a minute, and think about what love means, culturally and universally.

What is love?

Love is rainbows and butterflies, puppies and unicorns. Love is waking up next to the same person every morning with a huge smile on your face. Love never fights, love always shares. Love is receiving a dozen roses every Thursday “just because.” Love is happily going to the football game with your husband, that awful chick flick with your girlfriend. Love is beautiful. Love is perfect. Right?

I don’t think so.

Love is painted to be this idealistic and effortless state of pure bliss. In our culture, love is supposed to be easy. But it’s not. I don’t understand why people willingly jump into that mysterious rabbit hole without consulting the rules and guidelines first. So here’s a page or so torn from the middle of that rulebook – the section on why love sometimes hurts.

Love hurts because we choose for it to hurt. We allow ourselves to develop attachments to people, acting under the assumption that they’ll always be there for us. Personally, I’m a brick wall, but once someone gets through that, it’s really hard for me to let them go; it’s unbelievably hard for me to accept that love doesn’t last forever and that someone I care deeply about doesn’t care all that much about me.

“The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.”

- Jennifer Aniston

Love hurts because we over-think events, we make assumptions about others’ intentions, and we attribute character flaws to our transgressors. Rather than focusing on the love we’ve experienced, we focus on the pain it’s caused. Since we can’t control events, we try to explain them; however, both are equally damaging.

“What we need to know about loving is no great mystery. We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon it, not continually question it. Over-analysis often confuses the issue and in the end brings us no closer to insight. We sometimes become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember that love is easy. It’s we who make it complicated.”

- Leo Buscaglia

Love hurts because we give up on it. When you’ve got a family and friends – a dozen people who would put their lives on the line for you – why do you wallow in self-pity over the loss of one person? When the going gets tough, its prime time to toughen up; don’t falter and don’t lose faith. Love is delicate, but love is also strong.

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road… unless you fail to make the turn.”

- Author Unknown

Love hurts because it makes us vulnerable to another. Love is taking off your armor and trusting that someone you care about won’t take a cheap shot. Love is scary because there’s a lot at risk. The potential for pain will always linger in the back of your mind if you let it; be aware, but not on-guard.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

- C.S. Lewis

Love has the potential to hurt. Love – whether blissful, unreciprocated, or lost – can evoke the most potent pain known to man. I would bet that surveys would show heartbreak to be the most undesirable of human experiences. However, love is also one of the greatest teachers life has to offer. Fearlessly embrace love and allow it to mold you, rather than handling it from an arm’s length away; if you don’t put you’re all into, you won’t get anything out of it.

The dichotomy between love as a gift and love as a choice has always perplexed me, yet, it simultaneously makes perfect sense. If someone walks into your life, gives you the world, makes you a better person, and then walks out, why can’t we just accept that? Why can’t we be grateful for what that person taught us, the strength they bestowed upon us in learning to let them go?

I believe that people are inherently good. I don’t think anyone intentionally hurts anyone else; I think it’s simply selfish motives getting in the way of the greater good. I believe that everyone would choose love over hurt, if given the option in its purest form.

Love sometimes hurts, and that’s okay, to be expected even. But we should never let the pain engulf and debilitate us. Recognize unhealthy evaluations of love and loss and learn to let them go, but never let go of love because the potential for pleasure and flourishing is always worth the risk of pain.

On Marriage, by Jessica @ Faith Permeating Life

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As many of you know, I recently discovered and became involved in the social community of 20 Something Bloggers. I was lucky enough to discover several new and insightful bloggers, one of my favorites being Jessica at Faith Permeating Life. Jessica was kind enough to share this wonderful post and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

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When my now-husband and I first started dating, I refused to call him my boyfriend.

We were dating each other exclusively, with the understanding that neither of us would be committing ourselves to this if we didn’t think marriage was an eventual possibility. And yet I absolutely refused to put a label on our relationship. We were Jessica and Mike, and whatever our Jessica-and-Mike relationship evolved into, that’s what it would be.

We were freshmen in college, and I was attempting to rebel against the only kind of relationship I knew: the high school one in which, as soon as you started “going out,” your boyfriend had the implicit right to hold your hand, put his arm around you, kiss you.

I wanted none of it. My body was my own. Whatever Mike wanted from me, he was going to have to earn himself, not through some title and the associated privileges bestowed upon him.

And he did.

He asked if he could hold my hand. He treated my body and my time with the utmost reverence, and understood that they were his only in my giving, not his taking. He respected my wish to save my first kiss for my wedding day, a wish fulfilled at the altar, with him, almost five years later.

Our wedding was centered around a theme of service, the same message that he had focused his proposal on: Jesus came not to rule, but to serve. Let us choose to serve each other for the rest of our lives.

It’s a notion that seems at odds with my independent, autonomous self. Yet that, to me, was the power of my wedding vows. I was choosing not to put myself first, but to put someone else’s needs and desires first, and to trust that he would do the same for me.

It helps that I have a partner as strongly committed to service as I am. For every burden I take on that seems completely unfair, I know that he will step up and do more than his part at another time. I never feel like I’m being the “submissive woman” making sacrifices for my husband; it’s simply part of the agreement we both made when we got married.

That’s not to say it’s easy. I still grumble sometimes when he asks me to do something, or think “he better appreciate this” when I take care of something he was supposed to do and forgot. But it happens less and less as I push myself to use the language of service and love over the language of sacrifice and “fairness.”

When I started college, I swore I would never get married because I didn’t want to be limited in my career possibilities. When I graduated college, I was trying desperately to find a job anywhere in the Chicago area, even if it wasn’t in my field, because that’s where my fiancé had a year of grad school left.

But by then, it didn’t seem to matter so much anymore. And now I’ve got a husband who is primed to follow me wherever in the world my career path leads and to stay home with our future kids so I don’t have to stop doing what I love.

My body, my time, my life are still my own, but I choose to share them freely because married love is unconditional love. And I’m blessed enough to be with a man who gives me everything he’s got as well.

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Jessica blogs at Faith Permeating Life, where you’ll find straight talk on marriage, faith, money, sex, and happiness. You can also find her as keepbabbling on Twitter.

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Love is Madness

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“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”

-Louis de Bernieres

Can I Have Your Number?

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This past weekend, my friend had a party at her house to celebrate her birthday, so I stopped by. I was hanging out in the back yard with some friends when a guy I had never met before approached me.

“Hey, I was wondering if I could get your number and call you?”

While most people give out their number like candy, I tend to ask questions and (unintentionally) make it more difficult than I’m sure they’re used to. Why do you need my number? I don’t typically give it out to people I don’t know. A simple question, a simple statement. If he’d had a logical or clever response I may have talked to him for a bit and given him a chance, but instead he was self-deflatingly honest.

“Sorry. Just my pathetic attempt at trying to get your number to ask you out.”

Some advice: never say things like that. Cocky arrogance is a huge turn-off, but lack of self-confidence is even worse. How am I suppose to respond to that? I’m not going to tell someone a stranger that they are, in fact, pathetic, but I’m also in no position to argue otherwise. I ended up staring at him blankly for a few seconds, giving him time to redeem himself, before gently nodding my head, turning around, and resuming conversation with my friend.

Rude? Yes, very. But in all honesty, I can’t stand to be around people who do nothing but beat themselves up. Everyone’s got insecurities, but wearing them on your sleeve tends to make everyone uncomfortable. My intention was not to be mean, but for me emotional maturity is important, even for a ten minute conversation; blatant insecurity signifies the polar opposite. I feel bad because rejection is no fun, especially if one goes into a situation expecting it; however, I think my being “mean” is just my subconscious filtering out the riffraff early on because I tend to be too nice to walk away from a bad or draining friendship once it’s been established.

So this is my public apology to that poor boy. Even more importantly, it’s a lesson for the rest of us. Confidence is key when it comes to interpersonal interactions – no one wants to become entangled in someone else’s pity party. Humility is a wonderful trait, but it is very different from self-sabotage. Besides, it is so easy to feign confidence, to fool everyone else and even yourself. The best of us have insecurities, but we all have many strengths as well, so it’s important to focus on those. It’s easier to talk about your interests and strengths and it’s a whole lot easier and more pleasant to hear about those things from someone else.

Here’s a funny and loosely related MAD TV skit that always makes me laugh.

Sometimes nothing is better

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I used to think that anything was better than nothing. Now I know that sometimes nothing is better.” -Glenda Jackson

Several years ago, I crafted a clever little analogy to explain my views on dating, namely why I don’t feel constant dating is necessary: Most people will walk into a room of 50 people, scope out the prospects, play the “if I had to choose one person here…” game, and often end up starting a conversation or relationship with Mr. “Good Enough”. I, on the other hand, have no problem glancing around and then saying “no thanks, I’ll pass today”. People often feel pressured to make a decision – yes or no, black or white, John or Joe – and don’t realize that “no” is an option. If not a single person in that room lives up to your standards, you have permission to shrug your shoulders and mosey on into the next room; you have permission to walk through 20 different rooms and say “no” to every single person there. If a person or situation isn’t a good fit for you then you’ll likely end up unhappy anyways, so why not save yourself the trouble?

That’s not to say you shouldn’t give people a chance, but often times you can tell that someone is narcissistic, ignorant, or crude from twenty feet away.  If someone is in possession of any traits you find highly undesirable than that person isn’t worth your time. Treat them with kindness and respect, but don’t feel any obligation beyond that.

I believe that each up us has been equipped with an internal thermometer, tracking book, and GPS. We have the ability to perceive how we feel, determine what it is that we need to be happy, and know instinctively in which direction we should head. If placed in a situation with 100 options, none of which feel right, give yourself permission to say “no,” be patient, and have faith that something better will come along.

If you’re diverting your time and energy to Mr. “Good Enough” and satisfactory situations rather than actively seeking out and preparing for the best things life has to offer, then you’ll miss out on those better circumstances as they walk right past you.