Tag Archives: musings

Life: Make It Your Own

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Throughout life, you’re handed instructions, plans, and expectations. Elementary school, junior high, high school, college. Rebelliousness, maturity. Dating, love, engagement, marriage, children. Climbing the corporate ladder, promotions, raises. Retire and travel once your kids are grown. Complacent obedience, living by other people’s rules. Standards, averages, expectations, and timelines.

That’s all perfectly fine. I don’t hold anything against conventional living and safe paths. However, I do think more people need to take a moment to step back and look at their lives – both the big picture and the intricate details – before blindly following the path that’s been laid out for them.

Up until a few months ago, my life consisted of following instructions and living up to expectations, both of which revolved around education. Upon graduation from college, I was left with a different set of instructions. Graduate school, a big corporate career, and marriage were the basic options. It’s slightly distressing to be offered a tray full of undesirable options. I would like to further my education, obtain a job that I love, and maybe one day get married, but I’m not in a huge hurry to reach any of these milestones. Initially, it’s hard to swim upstream and beg everyone in your life to “just trust me.” It’s difficult to want something else, but not know exactly what that undefined option may be.

Since the start of the new year, I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog, about what I’ve learned and where I hope to take it in the year to come and beyond.

  • You can care about others without caring what they think. I’m a people-pleaser and, up until a few months ago, it would break my heart every time someone misunderstood or disagreed with me. It’s important to recognize and let go of those differences of opinion, and let go of those individuals who aren’t boosting your quality of life.
  • Focus on yourself first and others second. One you’re happy and centered, you’ll be better equipped to help others. Throughout life, we’re taught to be nice to others and put others first. I agree with that, but I think that once a person understands what they have to offer and what they hope to gain, interactions are going to have more potential for good outcomes.
  • Anxiety is a counter-productive waste of time and energy. Instead, learn to laugh at yourself. I’ve always had a tendency towards over-analyzing situations, then becoming trapped in the vicious cycle of stress and anxiety. So many things I used to worry about are forgotten about within a few days, so why not just shrug them off from the start.
  • Do what you love and people will notice. Those who follow the rules make a living, while those who follow their heart make a difference. I started blogging for myself, but it seems others have benefited from what I have to share and I can’t begin to express how happy that makes me.
What are some of the most important life lessons you’ve learned and would pass along to others? 

Why Does Love Hurt?

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“Please describe why love hurts.”

This is the first topic I’ve had a reader request I talk about. It’s a tricky one, but I’ll answer the best I can.

First and foremost, we should figure out what love is. Love as we understand it is a myth. Love is an emotional response due to the triggering of neurotransmitters in the brain and the release of neuromodulators, such as oxytocin. Love is a perception, a judgement, an evaluation. Okay, now let’s ignore my background in science for a minute, and think about what love means, culturally and universally.

What is love?

Love is rainbows and butterflies, puppies and unicorns. Love is waking up next to the same person every morning with a huge smile on your face. Love never fights, love always shares. Love is receiving a dozen roses every Thursday “just because.” Love is happily going to the football game with your husband, that awful chick flick with your girlfriend. Love is beautiful. Love is perfect. Right?

I don’t think so.

Love is painted to be this idealistic and effortless state of pure bliss. In our culture, love is supposed to be easy. But it’s not. I don’t understand why people willingly jump into that mysterious rabbit hole without consulting the rules and guidelines first. So here’s a page or so torn from the middle of that rulebook – the section on why love sometimes hurts.

Love hurts because we choose for it to hurt. We allow ourselves to develop attachments to people, acting under the assumption that they’ll always be there for us. Personally, I’m a brick wall, but once someone gets through that, it’s really hard for me to let them go; it’s unbelievably hard for me to accept that love doesn’t last forever and that someone I care deeply about doesn’t care all that much about me.

“The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.”

- Jennifer Aniston

Love hurts because we over-think events, we make assumptions about others’ intentions, and we attribute character flaws to our transgressors. Rather than focusing on the love we’ve experienced, we focus on the pain it’s caused. Since we can’t control events, we try to explain them; however, both are equally damaging.

“What we need to know about loving is no great mystery. We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon it, not continually question it. Over-analysis often confuses the issue and in the end brings us no closer to insight. We sometimes become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember that love is easy. It’s we who make it complicated.”

- Leo Buscaglia

Love hurts because we give up on it. When you’ve got a family and friends – a dozen people who would put their lives on the line for you – why do you wallow in self-pity over the loss of one person? When the going gets tough, its prime time to toughen up; don’t falter and don’t lose faith. Love is delicate, but love is also strong.

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road… unless you fail to make the turn.”

- Author Unknown

Love hurts because it makes us vulnerable to another. Love is taking off your armor and trusting that someone you care about won’t take a cheap shot. Love is scary because there’s a lot at risk. The potential for pain will always linger in the back of your mind if you let it; be aware, but not on-guard.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

- C.S. Lewis

Love has the potential to hurt. Love – whether blissful, unreciprocated, or lost – can evoke the most potent pain known to man. I would bet that surveys would show heartbreak to be the most undesirable of human experiences. However, love is also one of the greatest teachers life has to offer. Fearlessly embrace love and allow it to mold you, rather than handling it from an arm’s length away; if you don’t put you’re all into, you won’t get anything out of it.

The dichotomy between love as a gift and love as a choice has always perplexed me, yet, it simultaneously makes perfect sense. If someone walks into your life, gives you the world, makes you a better person, and then walks out, why can’t we just accept that? Why can’t we be grateful for what that person taught us, the strength they bestowed upon us in learning to let them go?

I believe that people are inherently good. I don’t think anyone intentionally hurts anyone else; I think it’s simply selfish motives getting in the way of the greater good. I believe that everyone would choose love over hurt, if given the option in its purest form.

Love sometimes hurts, and that’s okay, to be expected even. But we should never let the pain engulf and debilitate us. Recognize unhealthy evaluations of love and loss and learn to let them go, but never let go of love because the potential for pleasure and flourishing is always worth the risk of pain.

Knock, knock…persistence here

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Persistence is not about knocking on one door until the damn thing finally opens.

It’s about knocking on all of them.

All too often, we focus on achieving one particular goal, in one specific manner. We have a narrow mindset and refuse to embrace the “master plan” if it goes against our own hopes and expectations. We thus instinctively ignore and shut out other opportunities when they present themselves.

A hot pink, heart-shaped sticky note sits prominently over the peek-hole on a worn wooden door screaming “In here!” but you walk right past because you can’t see what lies on the other side. Instead, you confidently walk up to the bright white French terrace door with huge windows. Clearly, the other side is occupied by weeds, old cardboard boxes, and is steeped with despair. But you still walk proudly through that door.

Sometimes knowledge – no matter how negative the reality – is more appealing than the unknown. The mysterious is equated to the frightening, the dangerous. Although the new, different, and challenging can be some of the best and most rewarding experiences, people often chose the easy and safe route instead.

“Better safe than sorry”, right?

No. I would argue in favor of “What’s the worst that could happen?” You may be embarrassed; You might be forced to laugh at yourself. But mistakes are some of the best learning experiences.

Go knock on every door you encounter! The love or your life, a future employer, your best friend, an important networking contact may lie on the other side. It’s daunting – trust me, I know! But I like to believe that it’s worth it.

Publishing my writing (online) for everyone - friends, family, former English teachers, and strangers – to read is terrifying for me! Regardless of how many positive responses I receive, some days I feel like calling it quits. But, you know what… I love writing and I want to help people. I think writing just might be the medium through which a shy, but opinionated little girl, like myself, can help people. If one person reads a post and is positively impacted by what I have to share, that’s motivation enough for me to keep writing, to keep knocking on and knocking down any doors in my path.

Pursuing your passions

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When I was a child, my mother continually stressed the importance of three things: education, reading, and doing what you love. Although these categories have some overlap, each has independently become a strong pillar in my life.

Education: I attended a private Catholic school from kindergarten through high school. I learned a lot in school and was continually challenged by my teachers. However, beyond that, I’m highly self-motivated when it comes to learning. I’m that overachiever who the teacher admired and the classmates resented. I didn’t do it for the attention – actually I hated the attention! It was because I simply loved leaning and continually building up my vast collection of knowledge.

Reading: My parents read to me everyday as a child, often far more than once a day. They instilled a deep-set love of books in me and my siblings. In fact, my younger sister’s first words were “want book.” (Honest to God!) As a child, I regularly sat in my room for hours on end with my beloved books; to contrast, most of my friends spent their “alone time” with their bedroom TV set, a luxury I never had nor desired. Although I’ve gone through a few brief periods during which reading was placed on the back burner, I have always returned to my favorite pastime, with a growing fervor each time. As I have expanded my mind and refined my tastes, I’ve grown to love reading more than I ever dreamt possible; even more than I loved “The Very Hungry Caterpillar,” “Where the Sidewalk Ends,” and “The Giver.” Well, maybe not more.

Passions: My mother always told my brother, sister, and me to do what we love and that everything else would follow. My mom was a walking example. She had been a school teacher briefly, but then chose to stay home to raise her children. She later started a home-based business selling educational books. She fervently believed in the product and in the cause – promoting education. Although she originally pursued the book business as supplemental income, she quickly built an empire. She managed a huge team, was always a national leader in terms of sale, had a six-figure income and – most importantly – absolutely loved what she did.

The pursuit of money as a means to anything usually means that someone, at lease momentarily, has taken their eyes off of what they really want. The pursuit of money as a means to anything should always be secondary to the pursuit of that same thing.

The other day, I was browsing the posts shared by my fellow post-a-day bloggers and came across a post entitled Never work a day in your life! Like myself, the author has heard many variations of the concept “chose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life.” What I particularly liked about this post was that the idea was backed up with results from a research study.

The research was based on the analysis of 1,500 people at two points of time, at the beginning and the end of a twenty year period. The participants were broken into two categories:

  1. Members of first category said that they would pursue money first and follow their passions later. Over 1,245 people fell into this group.
  2. The second category consisted of individuals who claimed that they would seek their passions and interests first and trust that money and success would follow. There were 255 people in this group.

In a follow-up study conducted twenty years after the initial groups were formed, 101 of the 1,500 participants had become millionaires. Could it mere coincidence that 100 of the 101 millionaires were from the second category – the group who felt that pursuing passions was more important than pursing money?

I doubt it. I think that what my mother and other wise individuals throughout history have taught us is entirely true. When you focus on what you love, you willingly exert more time and energy into those projects. Engaging in work that has personal meaning can also affect those around you. When your passion and happiness burns brightly, others are more likely to believe in and support your cause.

Heed your mother’s advice. Pursue your passions. Do what you love.

What are your passions? What would you do with your life if money were no issue?

Toppling over and standing back up

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A month and a half ago, I celebrated my 22nd birthday. Actually “celebrate” probably isn’t the best word – I chose to stay at home to read 2666 and work on a paper about cause-related marketing. Although I appreciate people thinking about me, I would rather forgo the gifts, cake, and especially all that extra attention. I don’t need that. However, there are a few small things that will always make my face light up like a Christmas tree: gift cards to Barnes & Noble (or any bookstore), chocolate, and flower bulbs. I got all of the above this year. My family and friends know me too well!

The chocolate was gone within a few days. I was planning to save the gift card until April 14th to purchase The Final Testament of the Holy Bible by James Frey (as a college student, I have a hard time spending $30 on a book), but asking myself to refrain from buying books is like asking a child to wait until he’s home from his birthday party to start assembling his new toys – entirely pointless. My third treasured gift was a package of paperwhite bulbs.

I immediately opened the package and proceeded to follow the instructions carefully. I placed the planted bulbs in the garage (a cool, dark place) and waited. Within a month, three small shoot clusters had emerged. I was thrilled.

Suddenly, time seemed to accelerate. The plant’s growth was rapid, just shy of a time-lapse video clip’s pace. However, there was one problem. As the stems stretched and strained to attain greater heights, they became top-heavy and began to topple under their own weight.

I then recalled an article I read for a college Biology lab, Using Alcohol to Reduce Growth of Paperwhite Narcissus. Essentially, you create a solution of 5-10% hard liquor in water. This dehydrates the plant a bit, producing shorter stems with normal sized flowers. I proposed a similar experiment, but the professor was not amused.

“Are you planning on sitting down with your plants each night and toasting over a bottle of Grey Goose? Please. You need to take this project more seriously.”

Paperwhites

Well, I thought it was a good idea. Anyways, seeing my plant collapse under its own weight reminded me of that article. The study suggests that the remedy be applied throughout the life of the bulb. But what if it takes time to realize that a problem exists? What if you wait to implement that magical elixir?

“Results may vary.” “The sooner the better.” “You can’t change the past.” These clichés are all very true. But what about “there’s no time like the present”? Oftentimes waiting to act makes fixing a situation a little more difficult than doing things correctly the first time. However, it’s never too late to improve a situation.

At the moment, my towering stalks are being stabilized by a bright red Christmas ribbon. For the past few days, my lovely plant has been downing a few teaspoons of vanilla vodka with her nightly glass of water. Although I have yet to observe any drastic changes, my current attitude is a meshing of eager excitement and a downplayed confidence. I expect that within a few days, my plant will stand proudly without any outside support.

But what if it doesn’t? What if my dear plant continues to hang limply? Should I deem my efforts fruitless and a waste of my valuable time?

I would argue “no”. You see, when you put effort into something, there will be results. The effects my be miniscule and barely visible, but there is always a change. A small and seemingly insignificant bud may appear one day; it doesn’t look like much, but it is teeming with potential and patiently awaiting its opportunity to burst into an exquisite blossom.

When you start a project, it is important to plan – figure out how to put your resources to the best use. When there is a problem, get right to work on finding and implementing a solution. You may encounter hurdles along the way and you may topple over like a top-heavy paperwhite plant, but look at these as instances of good fortune. These hurdles allow for personal growth and learning. And being top-heavy with promising buds is a gift in disguise; the capacity for greatness is there – it’s just a matter of reorganization and being willing to alter your mindset and techniques in order to achieve your full potential.

And so what if you falter? A delicate bloom reigning over a droopy stem is a beautiful flower all the same.

Effort leads to results. Not necessarily the results you are looking for, but results nonetheless.

Was that a speeding camera or did Life just flash before my eyes?

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I saw a bright white flash to my right. As I continued to drive north, I looked back, utterly baffled. I saw no towering austere camera, no blazing car fire, and no look of confusion in the faces of other drivers.

Was I just flashed by a speeding camera? I peered down at the speedometer – 43 in a 45 zone. I was going under the speed limit! It was 7:30 a.m., which is early for me, so I was a little out of it. During the eternity it took to drive the next half mile, I laid out the facts, contemplated ways of paying for my forthcoming ticket, and then determined that there was no way it could have been a camera.

Than what was it? After recreating the situation in my mind, I concluded that it must have been the sun. The sun hung low in the sky, lazily peeking over the neighborhood houses. That is, until suddenly her screen was shifted and she revealed herself in full. An enigmatic and blinding radiance had filled the panorama.

Life works in a similar fashion. Life can be simple, casting a dim light on our daily lives – one which is vital, yet often goes unnoticed and underappreciated. However, when Life is revealed in all of her shining glory, providing us with so many opportunities, again, we often fail to recognize where all that light is coming from. When positive situations present themselves, we often make assumptions and point out certain attributions, unable to see the full picture.

A huge orb of gleaming and glowing white light appeared before me this morning. Immediately I was overcome with worry and concern. I find that to be deeply disheartening.

What if we could look up into the sky and at the sun and be overwhelmed by joy rather than fear? Society teaches us to be apprehensive creatures. Fear is meant to protect us, but oftentimes it does more than that – it restricts us.

When positive opportunities present themselves – whether as a dull glow or a brilliant ray – it is important to recognize them as such and then take advantage of their presence.

The solution to all of your problems

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When there’s a problem, focus on the solution and tell yourself you will get to the negative emotions later. By the time “later” arrives, the problem will likely be solved and the negative emotions are likely to have disintegrated.

Oftentimes we are so focused on how so-and-so has done us wrong and how life just isn’t fair. This negative energy is both draining and damaging. In choosing to focus on the solution and the potential for positive results, you free yourself of pessimistic thoughts and the subsequent cursory and uninspired actions; thus, allowing all of your energy to be filtered into productive processes.

Be tricky and pull a fast one on yourself. Bypass the anxiety and turmoil and get right to the solution!

The silent type

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“I suspect that he was a child who thought differently than his peers, who may have had serious conversations with grown-ups, who as a young person, like me, accepted being alone quite a lot. I think that this type of person often becomes either a writer or a career criminal. Throughout my childhood I believed that what I thought was different from what other kids thought about. It was not necessarily more profound, but there was a struggle going on inside me to find some sort of creative or spiritual or aesthetic way of seeing the world and organizing it in my head.”

Anne Lamott, “Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life”

 I loved reading “Bird by Bird,” primarily because I understood and could relate to so much of what the author discusses. I relate very much to this particular quote.

Growing up, I was shy and awkward.  I preferred solitude and spent my recesses in the library reading, rather than joining the other children for kickball, jump rope, and vicious gossip. I was invited to join the “adult table” at family gatherings around the age of eleven, although it may have been out of pity and due to the fact that I was the only girl cousin and, oddly enough, didn’t appreciate the endless fart jokes and sports-talk. The adult conversations were riddled with jokes and questions directed right at me. The pressure of a dozen eyes watching me shrug was enough to give me an anxiety attack, but it was worth it. I always felt more at home there.

I knew that I thought differently. I have always felt that way. My occasional attempts at “normal” conversation serve as proof. I have always longed for and sought out deep and meaningful conversations with others. I prompt and probe incessantly, but to no avail. To be honest, the majority of my best conversations have taken place in my mind, with my favorite guest – myself!

Thinking differently is a challenge. Not in itself, but in the consequences. Unique ways of thinking can polarize others because they simply don’t understand you. But that’s okay because you would rather delight in your own company anyways, right? Or maybe the teasing and exclusion get to you and your self-esteem is instantly squashed like a big, juicy bug on the blistering concrete. However, being the deep thinker you are, it is far more likely that you will dwell on what people say and allow those negative thoughts to claw you apart from the inside out.

But as you get older, things change. Peers don’t. But some things change drastically.

Over the past few years, I have come to realize that different is not necessarily bad. In fact, it can often be advantageous.

Although an average math student, I always achieved top scored on the national analytic “word problem” test, which the other students resented with a fierce passion. As reserved as I was, I always smiled knowingly when I turned in the test, and then again when the teacher proudly announced my name alongside the names of two foreign exchange students.

Throughout high school and college, I received praise for my unique analyses of books and passages. I achieved straight As throughout my English career, received recognition and an award from the English department in high school, and was able to earn and keep several scholarships based on my “outstanding” essays.

When you think differently, people in authority notice you; independent minds appreciate you; and, in time, loved ones come to better understand you. After a lifetime of fear and insecurity over revealing your abstruse thoughts and ideas, the higher-ups unlock your cage and let you roam free or take to the skies.

Some will encourage you. Some will try to hold you back. Both take action because they know that you’re on to something, that you are brimming with untapped potential.

You find your niche. You make like-minded friends. You think. You discuss.

And you either become a writer or a career criminal.

The heart-shaped curio cabinet

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Matryoshka set in a row

Image via Wikipedia

Have you ever been to a friend’s house, peeked into their curio cabinet, and then immediately wish you hadn’t? A filthy stuffed rabbit, a naked doll that appears to have undergone chemotherapy, a stack of ugly Russian nesting dolls, a bizarre African fertility mask, and half-a-dozen little crystal top hats that belonged to someone’s great aunt. These trinkets fill the shelves. They mean nothing to you and do little more then perplex. But these trinkets may mean the world to their keeper.

Like a curio cabinet, a capacious heart is a beautiful display case.

Over the course of a lifetime, its owner fills the many ledges with seemingly mundane knickknacks and personal mementos, each of which has a story; each of which revels a small, yet important part of his or her story.

However, like that ornate mahogany and glass monstrosity, one cannot expect the heart to endure a haphazard journey down a busy and polluted street by means of a little red wagon. Neither the heart nor the display case is designed to withstand that type of abuse. The cabinet and the heart must be tenderly cared for – each must be dusted, polished, filled with lovely memories, and visited often.

The ugliest and most pointless knickknacks may have the capacity to evoke the fondest and most pertinent memories. And although the owner may agree that some of their souvenirs serve as little more than an eyesore to any passerby, they are items with which that individual may never wish to part. These trinkets enforce the owner’s identity. The items remind him of that amazing trip to Hawaii or his first girlfriend, oh so long ago.

Likewise, a deluge of images, words, emotions, and memories fill every crevice of one’s heart. The rhythmic beating is periodically interrupted by dull aches, agonizing pain, flutters of joy, and throbbing desire – emotional responses that are often triggered by that great myriad of shelved memories.

As with the often strange and distasteful space-fillers, old memories are hard to throw by the wayside. Even the ugliest and most painful memories are your own personal belongings, belongings which are stored in the deepest depths of your heart. Nearly everyone’s heart is filled to capacity – the majority of the space filled by hollow memories. These memories are clunky. They take up space that could be occupied by newer, more relevant, and more fruitful recollections; they drain energy; and they are often responsible for evoking negative emotions.

For the New Year, I am challenging myself to dispose of all my empty and destructive memories. Shelf by shelf, item by item, memory by memory. The stuffed rabbit that was gifted to you by your abusive step-father, that silly toy that does nothing more than stir up feelings of resentment, is unnecessary. Your favorite childhood doll – although in terrible shape now and unappreciated by most– deserves a permanent spot on the shelf. Small foreign souvenirs brought back as a “thanks for watching the dog” likely hold little personal significance and should be discarded. Antiques passed down through the generations can be left to your own discretion; a lack of personal meaning may be replaced by wonderfully engrossing familial stories. My New Years resolution is to relinquish my attatchment to old memories and open my heart up to new opportunities.

I challenge you to do the same. Eliminate the monsters of your mind. Vacuum up the dust bunnies in your heart. Let go of the past and make room for a new memories. Clear out a few shelves in your curio cabinet. The upcoming months and years will inevitably provide you with countless new memories, some temporary and some that will stay with you and illuminate your heart for the rest of your life. Be aware of this opportunity. Take advantage of it.