Tag Archives: fear

On Personal Dreams and Roadblocks

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My biggest dream is to be accepted to a prestigious graduate program in social, personality, positive, or educational psychology, to be successful as a doctoral student and to perform research that I’m passionate about, to discover my calling and do everything in my power to share and implement my insights and, in doing so, improve the lives of others. I want to find happiness and fulfillment through my work.

However, a huge obstacle lies right in the middle of my path. I’m continually overwhelmed by this paralyzing fear, a deep-seated insecurity about my ability to function successfully in the world. I hold the belief that from the safety of my own mind, I’ll be able to come to understand the functioning of everything that surrounds me, and eventually rejoin the real world with confidence in my understanding. Instead of propelling me forward, this skewed mindset causes me to shrink further and further from the people and opportunities that will actually help me get to where I’m headed. Rather than asking for help from the people who I know care, I tend to delve deeper into the dark corners of my own mind, searching for nonexistent answers.

Man is an animal suspended in webs of significance that he himself has spun.

-Clifford Geertz

I spend inordinate amounts of time collecting and developing ideas and skills that I believe might make me feel more confident and self-assured. I proudly carry around knowledge in my head, but become so engrossed in my own thoughts that I regularly neglect social relationships, and all the things that I should care about. I don’t tend to my real needs, and when problems arise, I run away and hide from them, hoping that maybe they’ll disappear or be forgotten. In my mind, I’ve created a false reality in which it feel simpler and safer to sacrifice the way things were for a scenario in which I start from scratch in an area in which I could potentially feel more competent, than face and work through my own flaws and shortcomings. In writing, it sounds foolish and ridiculous, but our mental schemas can be so powerfully convincing, despite their blatant inaccuracy.

Although, I personally pride myself in being a kind and moral person, those traits aren’t appreciated by society at large, and are often seen as supplemental fluff. Thus, I’ve built my identity around being intelligent, having ideas, and sharing my synthesis of knowledge, preferably through writing. However, the irony of the situation is that no matter what level of mastery I achieve in any given field or how successful I perceive myself to be, my fear of inadequacy never seems to go away. I can keep reading, thinking, and sharing ideas, but it will never be enough.

I may be cerebral, perceptive, innovative, insightful, curious, alert, and countless other positive things; however, at the other end of the spectrum, I’m often intense, detached, secretive, isolated, high-strung, preoccupied, reclusive, and unstable. Perhaps one day I’ll overturn conventional ways of thinking and put forth some innovative idea, but I feel that at this rate and on my current path, I’m more likely to become eccentric and socially isolated.

I feel more at home in my mind than in social situations; I feel safer viewing the world from a detached vantage point than taking part in the action. I believe it extends beyond mere introversion because I knowingly shut out opportunities for growth and learning. My thoughts are so overwhelming that the world within my head becomes intensely and conspicuously engrossing, to the point that little of outside world seems significant or satisfying. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m profoundly out of touch with reality, that my thinking is grossly convoluted,  and that my reactions and coping mechanisms are unhealthy.

When I become anxious and fearful, I’m reduced to an overwhelmed and severely immobilized being with little power to do anything. The comfortable environment I’ve created for myself suddenly transforms into an unpredictable and threatening beast; I cut back on social interactions in order to allay my fears, but that ultimately only feeds them. I’m sensitive to the world around me, acutely aware of my fragility and defenseless. In order to compensate for my environmental sensitivity, I put up a facade of apathy and intellectual arrogance, consciously, though unintentionally, creating distance between myself and others. I’m painfully uncomfortable with my social skills; though I feel as if when I do manage to make it past the initial hurdles, I more than capable of being a loyal and loving friend, the fear of failure often prevents me from putting forth even the smallest amount of effort.

I’ve recognized these traits in myself for years and have watched myself cycle in and out of the habit, growing more and more frustrated with my inability to overcome the tendency. As of late, a few brave souls have had the courage to call me out on my behavior. In paying attention to my reactions, I’ve noticed how I behave when I become overwhelmed. I shut off my social networks and my phone, and I pour all my time and energy into a singular, seemingly important and worthwhile project (which is currently graduate program research and applications). It’s a completely unhealthy and counterproductive way of coping, especially when there’s not even an obvious reason as to why I’m so anxious.

Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive.. the risk to be alive and express what we really are.

-Don Miguel Ruiz

Having developed my identity around knowledge and discovery, graduate school seems like the logical answer to overcoming my insecurities, sense of failure over having not secured a decent job a year after graduation, and my general lack of self-esteem lately; however, although I intend to continue the application process, that is not the solution. I think the key is to find a balance between acquiring knowledge and taking action, to let go of my pride and be willing to ask for help when I need it, to accept things as they are rather than worrying about and over-analyzing all those things which I can’t control. I need to start reminding myself that the best experiences come to those who aren’t afraid to get their feet wet, because I will never achieve a single one of my dreams if I’m too fearful to take the first step towards arriving there.

Bored

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My brother was destructive.

My sister repeatedly ran off to talk to strangers.

However, when I ask my parents what the most challenging aspect of raising me was, they’ll hesitate for a moment, and then reply “You were a really easy kid, and a lot of fun, but…you were continually proclaiming ‘I’m bored. What can I do?’ and it drove us up the wall.”

I was a good kid, but it took a lot to engage and entertain me. Amusement was always short-lived, and I wasn’t satisfied unless I was learning, creating, or communicating. I would work on jigsaw puzzles, read, watch nature documentaries, do homework, build furniture forts, climb trees with friends, and play on the computer for hours at a time, and then suddenly report my overwhelming and unquenchable boredom.

Nothing held my interest for long, and there was always something more to discover and achieve. I had an expansive imagination and unrealistic plans and dreams. Life was this huge adventure, just waiting to awaken…and it would, just as soon as I grew up. I feel like not much has changed.

On my tenth birthday, I wrote in a little journal, “Only six more years until I can drive!” As much as I enjoyed the freedom of being a kid, I could not wait to grow up because of all the endless possibilities I imagined. One day, I’ll be able to have as many dogs as I want, I’ll have an awesome job, and maybe even a loving husband. I’ll eat Pop-Tarts and hamburgers for breakfast, I’ll live next door to my best friends and build secret tunnels between our houses, I’ll go on vacation whenever I feel like it, I’ll write a best-selling book under a pen name, and change the world. I feel like I’m still waiting. And not just for sugary breakfast foods. I often feel like I’m waiting for my life to begin.

My hopes and goals in life have shifted significantly over the years, but I still have that restless, gnawing drive to do more with my life. I still long to learn, create, and communicate. I want to go to graduate school, I want to take fun classes, I want to work for myself, I want to read incessantly, I want to hear professionals speak on all different topics, I want to travel the world, I want to write, I want to hear people’s stories and share my own, I want to feel connected and a part of something bigger, I want to discover my purpose and feel as if I’m actively working to improve myself and make a difference in the lives of others.

Yet, just like ten and fifteen years ago, there seems to be a bit of a disconnect. I look at my current situation and recognize that I want to do more, to achieve more, to become more; I recognize where there’s room for improvement and compile lists of things I would love to do; and then I sit back, sigh, and say “I’m bored.” I don’t take action, I don’t follow though. There are, of course, exceptions, but in general I let a ridiculous, yet insidious little fear of change get in the way. It’s frustrating recognizing my own inability to take that initiative when I so desperately long to.

Lately, I’ve really missed being in school, and I think that stems from the fact that without structure and guidance, I tend to wander aimlessly and question my own aptitude. I no longer have a tangible ultimate goal. I’m inherently and passionately curious, with exceedingly high expectations and hopes for my future. But even with all the right tools and ammunition, I feel stagnant and under-stimulated. I’m not sure if it’s my timidness, or the curse of recent graduates who are all hoping to find that “perfect job” in an economy that has little to offer, but either way, I’m admittedly bored. I think it’s about time I just do something, anything.

Fear Isn’t All Bad

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When I first began driving, I had three daunting and debilitating fears. I often went out of my way to avoid the chance of my worst nightmares coming true. I’ve always prided myself in being highly aware and cautious, however, at times I’ve teetered on the brink of neurotic.

Along with the name of our pets and the letters of the alphabet, one of the first facts I remember learning was that my uncle had been killed in a car accident. While still in a booster seat crying “Go, mommy, go!”, I was continually reminded never to make a left turn if you can’t see the oncoming traffic, “Let people honk. Their rush isn’t worth your life.” Although I was terrified of turning left for months after getting my license, I’m grateful for the advice. The initial fear was transformed into cautiousness.

Thanks again to my anxious mother, I was also afraid of the freeway. With high speeds, merging vehicles, and tons of distractions, a lot could go wrong. Thus, I avoid freeways for as long as I could, opting for the side streets and frontage roads. Then I reached a point where the freeways suddenly became a necessity; passing through 30 miles worth of streetlights and school zones was getting ridiculous. I’m careful when I’m on the freeway, but never thinking about the worse case scenario. Once again. my fear has gradually disintegrated, leaving behind an ever-present sense of caution.

My final big driving fear was that of being stuck next to a huge semi-truck, or even worse being sandwiched between two. This is generally not too hard to avoid if traffic is moving at a nice clip. However, every once in a while, the bright glare of the sun is shaded by a beastly eighteen wheeler, and I have nowhere else to go. Six years ago I would have begun hyperventilating if I saw a semi-truck creeping up beside me; I still don’t particularly like being next to the wide guys and carefully watch their every move, but I’m not afraid of them anymore.

People often say that fears are an unnecessary source of anxiety. I would argue that fears are typically rooted in realistic adverse situations, even if the chances are slim. Fear breeds caution and then slowly withers away. Fear can be debilitating, if you let it; however, fear can also teach you about how to react in certain potentially threatening situations until instinct and habit agree to take the wheel or you realize that your fear is out-of-proportion to the threat.

Do you consider fear to be a purely negative reaction or an opportunity for learning and adapting?

Fear of What?

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I’ve always had a fear of roller coasters. I’m not sure why. I’m not afraid of heights and I’ve never had a bad experience. Whenever I’m invited to go to an amusement park, I agree to go, but never without hesitation.

The days leading up to the excursion, the drive there, and the waiting in line are fine, and actually pretty exciting. The rides themselves are exhilarating and fun and fear never crosses my mind. I’m the person in the picture with a shit-eating grin as everyone else is screaming and holding on for dear life. At the end of the day I can’t stop talking about how much fun I had. Yet, when someone asks me if I like roller coasters, I say “no.” If you were to ask me if I’m afraid of roller coasters, I would shrug my shoulders, smile shyly, and say “yeah, kind of.”

I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain for the first time this past week and had an amazing time. I would go back again tomorrow if I could. But I still have an irrational and unfounded fear of rollercoasters.

We often craft alternate realities in our minds, build up potential scenarios, and create fear within ourselves. We break down and over analyze everything. We defend and rationalize. We stop trying to understand, stop trying to make things happen.

These fears become habit, a habit that can be hard to break if left unattended. The mind and its thoughts can be a powerful and life-altering force. Living life in fear of things that you aren’t actually afraid of can be detrimental and can  really limit your opportunities. I certainly have a few areas of anxiety, as I’m sure most people do. I think the trick is to ignore them. If you can’t rationally explain why you’re afraid of something, than eliminate that fear, face it head-on and forget about any apprehension.

Life is full of real obstacles, yet the most daunting ones often reside in our own mind. Think about those things that you fear most and question their merit. You might be surprised to learn the ways in which you’re holding yourself back; you might be surprised to learn that your just a thought away from freedom.

Overcoming obstacles

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You can only ever be scared when you believe in limits.

You can only ever feel lonely when you stop doing things.

You can only ever become bored when you no longer follow your heart.

You can only ever get overwhelmed when you think the illusions are real.

And you can only overcome these problems after realizing that they stand in your way.

The illusion of security

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Throughout elementary school, my small private school had practice fire drills once a month. By following protocol we could earn a “free dress day,” the one day a month where we could trade in our drab uniform for something a bit more unique. In addition to fire drills, we practiced what we would do in the case an intruder entered campus – hide in the cubby area, behind a thin cork board.

The colorfully decorated corkboard served as a display of admirable drawings, seasonal borders and a means of separating book bags and supplies from the general classroom. Corkboard can’t compare to bullet-proof glass nor a sheet of steel; the corkboard barrier stood no chance against a whizzing bullet. From the window, a passerby could easily look in and see 30 pairs of anxious legs peeking out from beneath the elevated board.

We weren’t safe, but we were given the illusion of security. In the case of a lockdown, specifically an armed individual entering the school, we would file into the cubby area and try to keep our giggles to a minimum. We were safe. No one could see us, no one could hear us, no one could touch us.

Life is full of illusions. People deceive one another in order to gain support, protect their reputation, and to build a sense of security. Sometimes these little white lies help us to overcome our fears; sometimes these exaggerations and half-truths blind us from reality. However, like everything else in life, these illusions play an important role. The illusion of security procures high levels of courage and hope, which guide us confidently into the future. The illusion of security is why people trust airport security, the government, their teachers, their skydiving instructor, their parents, and themselves.

As a child, I was terrified of crossing bridges. A debilitating wave of insecurity rushed through me whenever I saw a rickety wooden monstrosity. It made no difference that the bridge was sturdy, that my parents would hold my hand or hoist me onto their shoulder, nor that I knew how to swim in the case that I did manage to fall into the three feet of water. After being reassured countless times that nothing bad would happen, I gradually allowed myself to trust my parents and accept their offers of security.

For the past few month, I have experienced that same level of fear. I’m about to graduate college and I don’t have a set path, I don’t have an ultimate goal, and I don’t even have a job lined up for the time being. However, after much assurance that I have “plenty of time to figure things out,” that “taking a year off before graduate school is a great idea,” and that soon enough I’ll find “the perfect career” and “everything will fall into place,” my insecurity has dissipated.

Like a rickety old bridge, in life there is always that chance that one wrong step may lead to disaster; like the thin corkboard screen, one’s sense of security going into the future may be a mere illusion cleverly crafted by the mind to safeguard them from breakdown. But look where this fearlessness has brought us – people have started new businesses, sparked up conversations with strangers, held out for the right job or the right relationship, and have traveled the world without a plan.

Although fear protects us from the unknown, the illusion of security protects us from our fears. The illusion of security allows us to parade through our lives knowing that one false step accompanied by 99 steps forward is better than fear-induced paralysis and stagnation that leads you nowhere.

Life’s plan

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When we concede to life’s plan, things fall effortlessly into place and the urge to resist dissipates.

I spent the majority of my life worrying - I worried about grades, fitting it, if I was living up to my parents’ expectations, if I was the only person struggling with the concept of God, what I was going to do when I grew up, and what I had done wrong thus far. This overthinking often led to a state of paralysis, a shutting down of my mind and a hurried retreat from reality.

I spent much of my life living in indecision. What should I eat? Who should I hang out with today? Which homework assignment should I do first? Lion King or Beauty and the Beast? The most insignificant decisions brought on immense levels of stress. And it didn’t help that everyone and their mother seemed to make fun of me for my uncertainty.

When I would finally come to a decision, I would lack confidence in my choice. I would continually wonder “What if I made the wrong choice?” My psyche and my life were overwhelmed by these corrosive thoughts. Although they weren’t blatantly negative and self-sabotaging, they stole from me time and energy that could have been filtered into more positive and productive activities.

One of the most important lessons that I’ve learned to apply to my life is that of letting go. It took me a lot of time and practice, but I feel that I’ve reached a state where little can detract me from my sense of balance and well-being. Throughout my life, I’ve heard variations on the concept “it’s not what the other person does, but how you react that affects you.” This is all well and good, but where on earth do I begin? So-and-so hurt me so much; how am I supposed to not let that bother me?

It’s a matter of forgiving a person and forgetting that they have wronged you. It’s a matter of giving the other person the benefit of the doubt because we all make mistakes and chances are he didn’t mean to hurt you. Letting go involves finding the silver lining and feeling gratitude towards the wrong-doer for opening a new door, revealing a new perspective, or at least helping you clean out your tear ducts. Letting go involves living your day-to-day life, regardless of external circumstances. Is eating a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and cutting off contact to your closest friends really going to make you feel better? Why not instead focus on improving yourself and fostering your current relationships.

To say that I had a rough life would be a lie. My parents are still happily married, I went to private schools, I’m part of the racial majority, and I’ve never been bullied. What made things challenging for me was my high level of anxiety, perceived low levels of “fitting in,” low self-confidence, and tendency to doubt and blame myself. I made my life tougher than it had to be through my habitual ways of thinking.

I’ve learned that the little daily choices don’t really matter in the long run; however, they are reflective of my character, so I try to make the choice that best align with who I am and how I wish to portray myself.

I’ve gained confidence in who I am, what I believe, what I stand for, and in my ability to make the right choice. The choice may not be popular among the majority, family, friends, or mentors, but after taking their arguments into consideration, stand by your decision with a firm conviction. So what if you’re wrong? So what if you make the wrong choice? You may be embarrassed for an hour or a day, but after that everyone is likely forget the incident.

I believe that there’s something inside each of us that knows what’s best and knows what we personally need to do to arrive at that ideal place. Learn to listen to and trust that internal compass, for you don’t need to understand the mysteries of the wind to sail effortlessly around the world. Life has a plan for you, but first you need to stop resisiting its subtle nudges, and subsequently open yourself up to the endless possibilities that life has to offer.

Love versus fear

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Love is unconditional. Fear is conditional.

Love is strong. Fear is weak.

Love releases. Fear obligates.

Love surrenders. Fear binds.

Love is honest. Fear is deceitful.

Love trusts. Fear suspects.

Love allows. Fear dictates.

Love gives. Fear resists.

Love forgives. Fear blames.

Love is compassionate. Fear pities.

Love chooses. Fear avoids.

Love is kind. Fear is angry.

Love ignites. Fear incites.

Love embraces. Fear repudiates.

Love creates. Fear negates.

Love heals. Fear hurts.

Love is magic. Fear is superstitious.

Love energizes. Fear saps.

Love is an elixar. Fear is a poison.

Love inspires. Fear worries.

Love desires. Fear Joneses.

Love is patient. Fear is nervous.

Love is brave. Fear is afraid.

Love is relaxed. Fear is pressured.

Love is blind. Fear is judgmental.

Love respects. Fear disregards.

Love accepts. Fear rejects.

Love dreams. Fear schemes.

Love wants to play. Fear needs to control.

Love enjoys. Fear suffers.

Love frees. Fear imprisons.

Love believes. Fear deceives.

Love “wants.” Fear “needs.”

Love versus fear: what do you feel?

LOVE Versus Fear by Saran Nean Bruce