Tag Archives: advice

You Are Perfect, Just the Way You Are

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Over the course of the past sixteen months, I’ve had several people comment that I seem wise for my age. Self-aware, genuine, passionately curious, spiritually attuned, intelligent,  etc. My first response is always a beaming smile and a gracious “thank you”; my first thought is always that I wish I’d have figured out some of these things sooner. I wish someone would have told me that I’m perfect just the way I am. I wish they had developed a way to tell me so that I’d actually have believed it.

I recently wrote a letter to my younger self, with the basic theme,” Stop taking yourself so seriously!” While that certainly still applies, there’s so much more to be said. Life is a maze, growing up is a struggle, finding balance between autonomy and outside advice is a constant challenge, and discovering what you personally believe is admittedly not easy. I see friends venturing down the conventional paths, I hear stories of kids dying before their eighteen birthday, and I desperately long to inject them all with some of the wisdom I’ve gathered up over the course my lifetime. I want to convey the same message that’s been preached for decades, but in a way that people will understand and take seriously.

You're weird. It's okay.

Growing up, I was always a bit of a loner. Outside of my siblings and cousins, there was one little neighborhood girl who I hung out with, and another quiet friend at school. I preferred books, jigsaw puzzles, and people-watching over social interactions. I still keep to myself, and I’m perfectly okay with that. I’m at a place where criticism doesn’t bother me. If someone asks why I’m so quiet, I can just throw on a smug grin and shrug my shoulders. Be yourself. Embrace your hobbies, and throw yourself into them. Someday, once you’ve found your niche, people will appreciate you, for all you are. 

I was a scrawny kid. When I hit junior high and high school, I was bombarded with concerns that I wasn’t eating by teachers and peers, while at home my family joked that I was a bottomless pit. For the longest time I was self-conscious and unhappy with my body. Despite the blistering Arizona heat, I wore oversized jeans and sweatshirts year-round. The next stage involved trying to fit in – wearing shorts that only someone my size could pull off, but that no parent should let their child out of the house wearing. At the time, I told myself I was happy with my body, but that was simply an effortful lie. You have control over what you put into your body, and how you care for your body. Beyond that, let go of your worries, and learn to be happy with the beautiful and unique body that you’ve been gifted with. 

All the cool kids are doing drugs, drinking alcohol, dating, having sex, breaking the law. So what? Those are the kids who are going to end up in rehab, brokenhearted, pregnant, without a college education, or in jail. (Not necessarily, but oftentimes sticking to your guns and following the rules is the best option.) If you don’t want to do something, then confidently decline, smile politely, and walk away. It really is that easy, trust me. 

Good, clean fun.

Volunteer. Be humble. Be kind. Realize that you have it better than a lot of people. Be gracious for all that you have. Quit being so angsty. The world doesn’t revolve around you and it never will. Get over it. Help others, because it will ultimately help you. 

Be a good person, stay true to yourself. Authenticity is more appealing that an expensive Starbucks habit, designer bags, or new outfits every day of the week. If you’re a nerd, go all out. If you’re a goofball, spread the laughter any way you see fit. If you’re kind and empathetic, quit acting tough already. We’re all strange, in our own way; that’s what makes is unique and interesting. Stop trying to hide your true nature because you think people won’t accept you. Find the right people and they’ll love you for all that you are – strengths, imperfections, and everything in between.   

Life doesn’t always go as planned. You have less control than you like to be believe. The past is the done and the future will change before you have a chance to implement your intricate plans. Don’t worry about things you can’t change. Fix the things you can. Put a full effort into all you do. Learn to accept things as they are. Let go of your need to control.

Everyone has shortcoming and weaknesses, yourself included. Forgive, and don’t hold grudges. People are likely to reciprocate, but don’t hold it against them if they’re unable.

You're still weird. It's still okay.

Your parents generally know best and are just looking out for you. Rules sometimes don’t make sense, but they’re in place for a reason, and one day you’ll be grateful for the guidance and discipline. Listen to your parents. Thank them. Tell them that you love them. Someday you’ll wish you’d have said more, sooner. Whether or not you realize or fully appreciate it, your parents have offered you the world, and countless opportunities for love and success. Never forget that. 

Life can be tough, the most daunting challenge of them all. When you’re young, everything is confusing, ridiculously nonsensical, and simply hard. Does it get better? Yes, but there are stipulations. From all my experience and learning, the key is to be accepting of who you are and where you are. Life is in a continually transitional state – friends, jobs, favorite outfits, and hobbies will change, probably more than you could even fathom. Within seven years, your body will have completely replaced all of its cells (except neurons in the cerebral cortex). You will literally be a new person. Rather than being freighted by change, embrace it. Just look how far it’s gotten you. Think about how much you’ve learned, experienced, and overcome in your lifetime, and be in awe of it. Know that more of the same lies ahead, if only you put the time and effort into pursuing and developing it.

I Read Your Blog. Can You Help Me?

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I’ve been blogging for just over a year. Over the course of that year, I’ve received approximately 20 emails from adolescents asking me to help them deal with bullying. I’m not sure why, as I’ve never directly addressed the topic of bullying, or even the pangs of being a teenager. Maybe I just come across as an understanding individual, someone willing to listen, someone who will do all they can to help.Truth be told, as much as I want to help, I don’t know what to say. People can be cruel, growing up is tough, staying true to yourself despite the constant criticism and rejection is near impossible.

I was never bullied, nor a bully myself. I was that kid who would sit back at distance and feel bad, wanting to intervene, but not wanting to become another victim of teasing and taunting. Growing up is hard enough without bullying and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to face that level of adversity on the daily basis. As much as I want to distance myself from my own teenage years and, even more so, those of complete stranger, I can’t help feeling empathetic and desperately wishing there was something I could do to help. And I can’t help wondering “Why me? Why do so many people think that I’m the one who will be able to rescue them?”

I’ve spent all day struggling to figure that out, to define the core theme of my blog, to understand why young people seem to be drawn to me. Through a bit of contemplation, I think this is about as close as I can come, at least for the time being.

I believe each of us is teeming with untapped potential and everyone has a unique role to play in this life; only through staying true to yourself and following your heart will you reach your full potential and achieve your life’s purpose.

Is that an inspiration or hopeful message that people are able to connect with? I’m not sure. Does that suggest that I know more than the next person, that I have all the answers,  that I can help you? Again, I don’t know. I want so badly to help everyone, to make a difference, to have a positive impact on even a single life. But I simply don’t know how. Clearing I’m forging at least a bit of a connection with others, but I can’t help feeling that I should be doing more.

Do I have the power or influence to put an end to bullying? I highly doubt it. Is bullying a issue that I’m personally passionate about? No, but I can’t help feeling an obligation to help those who are struggling with it, on the level of personal responses to email, but maybe even beyond that.

I think each and every one of us has the obligation to help all those who cross our paths, regardless of whether we know them personally or have anything to gain from the interaction. As hard as it is having someone else’s emotional baggage dumped into my lap, it’s comforting to know that maybe I’ve lessened their own burden a bit, maybe I’ve instilled a bit of hope into their lives. Maybe I truly am making a small difference in the world.

Enjoy Every Sandwich: Living Each Day as If It Were Your Last

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Would today be a good day to die?

Honestly, take a few minutes to think about it. Are you content where you are and happy with what you’ve accomplished? Have you made a difference, left the world a better place?

At age 52, Lee Lipsenthal, a successful and widely recognized and respected physician, was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. The odds were not in his favor. Despite the optimism of his medical colleagues, Lee knew that he likely had less than a year left to live. Enjoy Every Sandwich: Living Each Day As If It Were Your Last documents the moment Lee chokes up his BLT sandwich and realizes that something is wrong, up through the final fourteen months of his life, as he reflects back on his experience and his legacy, reminding readers to live each day to the fullest and to practice gratitude.

A proponent of homeopathic medicine, Lee relied on meditation and other alternative means of healing in addition to medication and chemotherapy. Already at peace with his life and mortality, Lee had no fear of death. Instead, he believed that every day is a good day to die, that life is a cyclical roller coaster and that there’s more to the universe and existence than we realize.

It’s inexplicably inspiring so see someone face death with such courage, to accept the inevitable without wasting time resisting. It’s amazing to see someone so grateful for their life, as their physical body slowly withers away. The book is reminiscent of Tuesdays with Morrie and The Last Lecture, although an entirely different approach to the discussion on life and death. The author mentions several forms of alternative medicine, as well as his intuitive ”knowings” and ability to connect to some greater or supernatural power; this may appeal to some, or be a turn-off to others, bur either way I feel it really contributes to the impact of Lee’s narrative.

Lee Lipsenthal’s story is incredible, his heartfelt honesty is beautiful, and his sense of humor makes the story easier to digest. I believe it’s important to think about life and death, meaning and purpose. It’s importance to realize the beauty of life, both the significance and impact of our own personal world, and our insignificance in the grand scheme of things.

Would today be a good day to die? If your answer is no, I challenge you to take the steps necessary to reach a place where you are at peace with your mortality, a mindset in which every day is a good day to die.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone.

I received a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.

How to Survive NaNoWriMo (or any other daunting project)

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National Novel Writing Month is nearly upon us. Are you prepared? No, I’m not asking whether you know each of your characters inside and out, whether you’ve built their world, or whether your have a five-page outline. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve bought all your supplies or cut out pictures of what you’d like to achieve. Our lives are packed to the brim with commitments, tasks, and distractions. Preparedness ultimately comes down to navigating those treacherous waters, being able to work this new project into your already hectic schedule.

Set aside a specific time to work. Wake up an hour early. Spend the last two hours of your day holed up in your office. Spend a good portion of your day off plugging away. Set a time to work and stick with it, no excuses. Work at a time when you will be not be interrupted. Work every day, if possible.

Set a timeline or goals. What do you need to do? How much time do you have? When are you available to work and for how long? Have a clear idea of what you need to do. Sketch a reasonable plan of action for your project before you start. Set goals that will help you stick to your schedule.

Stay organized. Sort out important documents, notes, and plans before starting your project. Knowing where everything is will reduce stress and frustration. Remove clutter from your work area. Don’t reorganize or move things around during your project.

Eliminate distractions and focus. Turn off your phone. Turn off email and social network notifications. Make sure your family, friends, and housemates know that you’re busy and not to be disturbed. Go to a library or coffee shop, if necessary. Download distraction-eliminating software, such as OmmWriter. Clear your desk of clutter. Put in headphones and listen to white noise or ambient music (I like David Ummmo).

Just do it. Sometimes it’s difficult to get started, but completion is generally rewarding. Work on your project first thing in the morning. Make your project the prerequisite to some other necessary task. Get it done.

Have fun. A project doesn’t have to be tedious or boring. Enjoy what you’re doing. Make it into a game. Set up goals and rewards. Allow yourself to get lost in what you love doing.

Seek inspiration. Don’t lock yourself up and shut everything out. Read a book. Flip through a magazine. Listen to music. Engage in your favorite hobby. Do something you enjoy. Free up your mental energy and allow room for new ideas take root.

Give yourself a chance to rejuvenate. Take a deep breath. Meditate. Relax. Go for a walk. Grab coffee with a friend. Release any stress, frustration, or sense of failure before you get back to work. Give yourself several small breaks throughout your working period.

Maintain social relationships. Don’t neglect the people who care about you while you’re busy working. Talk about your project and ask others to hold you accountable. Savor the encouragement and affirmations. Rely on your built-in support group.

Meet others working on similar projects. Connect with others who are working on the same type of project. Having people who understand what you’re going through, people who will help you through feelings of defeat. and people with whom you can celebrate your triumphs. Knowing that you’re not alone makes it easier to fight through and complete a project

Take care of yourself. Get an adequate amount of sleep. Eat well. Drink water. Excercise. Take breaks to clear your head. Listen to your body. Rest when you need it.

Reward yourself. Celebrate little victories. Acknowledge your hard work. Treat yourself to chocolate, flowers, or a night out. Bask in the satisfaction of your progress or reaching a goal. You’ve earned it.

A final review. Once you’ve completed your project (or gone as far as you’re able), summarize what you did. What went well? What could you have done more efficiently? Take notes of how you can do even better next time.

What would you add? How do you deal with daunting projects?

Some Advice for Life

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I was recently contacted by one of my readers, a young college student looking for ideas of things to do with her life other than study and party. Inspired by some of the things I’ve said, she thought maybe I could share my perspective and help her improve her life. Although my email response to her was more robust and relevant to her personal situation, here is the basic advice I would share with anyone looking to improve their sense of satisfaction and meaning in life, here’s a big part of my philosophy on life.

  1. Don’t beat yourself up for not living up to what you think other people want you to be, just be yourself and be confident with the person you are. Stop comparing yourself to others; we all have different interests, strengths, weaknesses, and a unique perspective, so any comparison is going to be an unfair match-up.
  2. Be open-minded to new ideas and experiences, explore things that interest you, find your niche, and pursue those things which you enjoy the most.
  3. Build and maintain healthy relationships, but don’t be afraid to break them when they’re hurting you or no longer benefitting anyone. Spend quality time with people and put you’re all into being a great friend.

I never had a mentor and didn’t have many older friends who knew the ropes, and I’m sure I would have benefitted from that. Thus, I’m excited to be helping someone else; it almost feels as if I’m passing my life lessons onto the younger version of myself. It really is wonderful.

What other pieces of advice would you give to a young adult? What are things you wish you had known at that age?

The People You Meet

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“Many people will walk in and out of your life,
but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
God gives every bird its food,
But He does not throw it into its nest.
He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend loses more;
He who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are acts of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, 
But so few people can hold it.
Friends, you and me…
You brought another friend and then there were three…
We started our group, our circle of friends…
And like that circle, there is no begining or end…”
-Author Unknown
 

I’ve learned…

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I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.   Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.  Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I’ve learned that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.

I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

-Omer B. Washington

What is beauty?

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“What is beauty? Is beauty a pretty face, a nice smile, flowing hair, nice skin? Not to me, it’s not. To me, beauty is living life to higher standards, stronger morals and ethics and believing in them, whether people tell you you’re right or wrong. Beauty is not wasting a day. Beauty is noticing life’s little intricacies and taking time out of your busy day to really enjoy those little intricacies. Beauty is being real, being genuine, being pure with no facade – what you see is what you get. Beauty is expanding your mind, always seeking knowledge, not being content, always going after something and challenging yourself.”
- Jake Plummer

What we can learn from entrepreneurs

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Be persistent: A big part of being successful is never giving up and never losing faith.

Be humble: Actively seek advice and support from others who are knowledgable about a subject or situation.

Be open-minded: Consider others’ ideas and advice because you never know what may help you.

Always exceed expectations: When you reach your goals, set more goals; do all you can to leave the best impression.

Love your work: Do what you want and choose a career because you love it, not for the money.

Keep your integrity: Honesty and integrity are the building blocks of success. Treat everyone with fairness and they’ll help you succeed.

Expect difficulties: Everything takes longer, costs more, and is more draining that you ever expect. Expect things to be hard and you’ll be pleasantly surprised when they aren’t that bad.

Network: Take every opportunity to plant seeds of your message and your business with people who may be interested.

Treat people well: Treat customers, co-workers, employees, suppliers, and everyone else you meet that way you want to be treated.

Life’s plan

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When we concede to life’s plan, things fall effortlessly into place and the urge to resist dissipates.

I spent the majority of my life worrying - I worried about grades, fitting it, if I was living up to my parents’ expectations, if I was the only person struggling with the concept of God, what I was going to do when I grew up, and what I had done wrong thus far. This overthinking often led to a state of paralysis, a shutting down of my mind and a hurried retreat from reality.

I spent much of my life living in indecision. What should I eat? Who should I hang out with today? Which homework assignment should I do first? Lion King or Beauty and the Beast? The most insignificant decisions brought on immense levels of stress. And it didn’t help that everyone and their mother seemed to make fun of me for my uncertainty.

When I would finally come to a decision, I would lack confidence in my choice. I would continually wonder “What if I made the wrong choice?” My psyche and my life were overwhelmed by these corrosive thoughts. Although they weren’t blatantly negative and self-sabotaging, they stole from me time and energy that could have been filtered into more positive and productive activities.

One of the most important lessons that I’ve learned to apply to my life is that of letting go. It took me a lot of time and practice, but I feel that I’ve reached a state where little can detract me from my sense of balance and well-being. Throughout my life, I’ve heard variations on the concept “it’s not what the other person does, but how you react that affects you.” This is all well and good, but where on earth do I begin? So-and-so hurt me so much; how am I supposed to not let that bother me?

It’s a matter of forgiving a person and forgetting that they have wronged you. It’s a matter of giving the other person the benefit of the doubt because we all make mistakes and chances are he didn’t mean to hurt you. Letting go involves finding the silver lining and feeling gratitude towards the wrong-doer for opening a new door, revealing a new perspective, or at least helping you clean out your tear ducts. Letting go involves living your day-to-day life, regardless of external circumstances. Is eating a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and cutting off contact to your closest friends really going to make you feel better? Why not instead focus on improving yourself and fostering your current relationships.

To say that I had a rough life would be a lie. My parents are still happily married, I went to private schools, I’m part of the racial majority, and I’ve never been bullied. What made things challenging for me was my high level of anxiety, perceived low levels of “fitting in,” low self-confidence, and tendency to doubt and blame myself. I made my life tougher than it had to be through my habitual ways of thinking.

I’ve learned that the little daily choices don’t really matter in the long run; however, they are reflective of my character, so I try to make the choice that best align with who I am and how I wish to portray myself.

I’ve gained confidence in who I am, what I believe, what I stand for, and in my ability to make the right choice. The choice may not be popular among the majority, family, friends, or mentors, but after taking their arguments into consideration, stand by your decision with a firm conviction. So what if you’re wrong? So what if you make the wrong choice? You may be embarrassed for an hour or a day, but after that everyone is likely forget the incident.

I believe that there’s something inside each of us that knows what’s best and knows what we personally need to do to arrive at that ideal place. Learn to listen to and trust that internal compass, for you don’t need to understand the mysteries of the wind to sail effortlessly around the world. Life has a plan for you, but first you need to stop resisiting its subtle nudges, and subsequently open yourself up to the endless possibilities that life has to offer.