If I were the master of social etiquette, that would the standard introduction.
“Hello, my name is ____ and my biggest insecurity is ____.”
I don’t like small talk, or more specifically I dislike superficial conversations. I don’t keep up with the Kardashians, I didn’t see you drunk at “that one party,” I don’t care about your new $200 cardigan, and no, for the hundredth time, that outfit does not make you look fat.
Within ten minutes of meeting someone, I can gauge with surprising accuracy whether we’ll ever talk again. I can generally tell whether or not we’ll become friends. So, what’s the big secret?
In my experience, the biggest predictor of lasting friendship is openness. The best way to secure a friend is to ask the right questions, to be sincerely interested in their story, and to reveal yourself.
What are the “right” question? Ask someone about their interests, their passions, their dreams; ask what makes them come alive. People generally like to talk about these things, but we often don’t think to ask. It’s easier to play it safe and talk about popular culture and noncontroversial topics. But what’s there to gain from that?
If you’re asking the right questions, it’s easy to become truly interested in someone else’s story. Listen to what the other person is saying and respond to what they share; let them know that you’re paying attention and that you care. The most engaging conversations involve opinions, disagreement, discussion, and dreams. Don’t be afraid to go there.
Along with learning about someone else, it’s important to be open and reveal things about yourself. No one really cares what you favorite pizza topping is. When it comes down to it, people want to know how they can fit into your life. Are your beliefs regarding politics, spirituality, or knowledge compatible? Are you able to understand and accept one another’s’ beliefs? Just because you both like pepperoni and the color blue, that doesn’t mean that you’re soul mates. I think we need to take ownership of who we are. We need to accept our gifts and challenges and learn to wear them on our sleeves.
Lately I’ve had this strong inclination to share my fears and insecurities with people I’ve just met and those with whom I’ve had a more surface relationship in the past. Although I have yet to act on the urge, it’s a liberating feeling. Being able to not only associate with, but also reveal the darkest parts of yourself is huge.
Be vulnerable; be open; be yourself. If someone reciprocates and opens up to you, they’re a keeper. If they run for the hills, they probably wouldn’t be able to handle you anyways.
If someone doesn’t ask the right questions, make good conversation, or reveal themselves right away, how can you know they’re capable of doing so in the future? I’m a very private and reserved person, so I would expect this idea to push me way out of my comfort zone. However, ironically, I find the concept of openness to be strangely comforting. If I can’t be myself when I first meet someone than I won’t ever fully open up.
How different would relationships be if people were open and honest from the outset? What if people were comfortable reveling their fears, insecurities, and weaknesses? What would be gained if perfunctory conversations were replaced by honest and sincere interactions?
I think the quality of interpersonal relationships would improve drastically. I think meaningful interactions would also boost people’s self-esteem and encourage them to embrace and further develop their authentic selves. I believe sincerity and openness are the keys to a healthy and lasting relationship, and I believe that everyone has the power to bring that to the table, to improve the quality of each interaction and, subsequently, the relationship. 
ach. The drama of making the convo when making friends, something that I find very difficult. I’ve tried classes and everything. Nope, nothing worked for me. I try to be myself all the time but most people are put off making friends with me because I’m too “eccentric”. which sucks.
Good post though. I do try and ask people questions, and I do that at work. But I never seem to get that elusive golden ticket for me, which is a social life – being accepted for being who I am outside of work…
blaah. Back to the drawing board for me.
Jules
Agreed, that’s something I’ve always struggled with. I tend to be shy and distant, which intimidates people, so I can relate the feeling of ostracization…although as I’ve gotten older it bothers me less, and I think people become more accepting. To be honest, I feel closer to a lot of fellow bloggers than real life friends – I don’t know if it has to do with anonymity or the like-mindness, but that’s something I’ve noticed. Keep at it and find hobbies you enjoy and hopefully you’ll meet someone else who is as ecceltic as you (that’s not at all a bad thing!) Things will work out – just give it time and be open.
Loved this post…sometimes it’s so hard to do “that dance” when you meet new people. If only it were easy to just be open and honest all the time!
Thanks, Melissa. It is difficult, but I think in the long run it would make everything so much simpler.
This is absolutely fantastic. There are a number of things that I keep ridiculously close and am highly reluctant to share, but you’re right – the relationships we form would be so much more meaningful if we were more up-front and honest about these things. It’s a good personal challenge to try to engage in more conversations like this when we are getting to know people. Excellent post.
Thanks, Nicole! It’s so true – we keep saying “I’ll tell them next time,” and it become harder and harder, so it ends up easiest to say nothing at all. Honesty and transparancy are important for a successful and beneficial relationship. That’s definitely something that I’m constantly working on, and I like to think I’m getting better.
When I talk to people I do have a lot to say because I watch the news rather than Keep with the Kardashians or whatever cele-wannabe–really, they’re not your family members. In first impressions I want to come off as smart and be well versed but unfortunately it can be perceived as a turn off but I tell myself “whatever, they’re not worth my time anyways.” Good post! From following you, it seems like we have very similar personalities
.
News is good because it’s an informed and revelant topic. Like you said, if people are turned off by how you present yourself, they probably wouldn’t be worth your time anyways. That’s better than having someone like your “pretend” self. (I feel like I’m a junior high teacher! I guess they were on to something.) Thanks, it so wonderful hear that people can relate to what I have to say.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I love small talk.
Personally I find it a great indicator of people and their personalities. I have no issues with talking to someone I’ve never met before or giving a speech in front of hundreds of people. Sometimes I strike up a conversation with a person in line at a grocery store – especially if they seem uncomfortable with my doing so.
If a person has a hard time with small talk I want to know why. Do they feel like they are being judged based on their answers? Maybe they fear they aren’t worth knowing or they feel inadequate in their interpersonal skills. I love getting people to talk about themselves.
People want to feel safe and comfortable when talking about themselves and small talk provides that “safe zone”.
Hello, my name is Kacey. I love the color blue, pepperoni and have a secret fear of werewolves…
What about you?
Well. personally, I get bored in most small talk situations because they’re so predictable. Ask me about politics, religion, literature, or the education system and I can talk for hours; however, when it comes to favorite things and the weather, you can only discuss and elaborate so much and the awkward silences make me uncomfortable. I suppose if the more in-depeth topics are considered small talk, than I’m simply more selective.
I feared being judged when I was younger, but now I’m an open book. If someone makes the effort to talk to me, I reciprocate, and there are no “taboo” topics in my book. I love getting people to talk about themselves too, but really how much does a favorite caolor or pizza topping say about a person? Personally, I’d rather ask questions like “how would you chage the education system?” or “if you had the means to do anything, what would you pursue?” I agree entirely that small talk provides a “safe zone,” it’s just area where I’m less comfortable and easily bored.
Hello, my name is Erin. I, too, love the color blue and pepperoni. I have a secret fear of rickety bridges and falling.
Thanks, Kacey for you comment . You make a valid point – there are definitely benefits to small talk, and in the right context it does offer a lot of insight into a someone’s personality.
Just out of curiosity, what makes you less comfortable about small talk? I wonder if any of the others who have commented could offer some of their views on this too?
Rickety bridges and falling make my knees feel funny. Is that bad?
Small talk conversations generally go something like this:
“What’s your favorite color?”
“Blue, and yours?”
“Green.”
“Ah, cool. Do you like dogs?”
“Yeah, I have one and he’s awesome.”
“Nice, me too.”
…awkward silence.
I don’t have strong opinions about things I find trivial, and I have a hard time engaging in conversations about things I feel to be trivial. Speaking and making conversation are not strengths for me, so unless I’m interested and engaged, I have a hard time finding new topics to talk about…it’s easier for me to dive into one and talk about it in depth and from every angle. I suppose it’s a combination of being bored by topics that don’t interest and having a hard time keeping up a conversation that is not engaging me. I tend to stumble over words less when in an informed and intelligent discussion, and I feel less self-conscious if I do happen invert two words or slur them together.
You have some really good points there! This post reminds me of a beautiful poem by Oriah. If it’s okay, I’ll post the whole thing here, because it’s SO beautiful and inspiring, and it goes so well with your post.
The Invitation
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.
It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.
I have this poem framed and hanging on my wall. It is so beautiful and speaks to the heart and soul of what really matters.
walk in beauty this day.
This is absolutely beautiful, and so approprite. Thank you for sharing, Marthe!
Great blog, Erin! I really like this post….it’s interesting to think about. I do think that it would be unusual for a total stranger to feel comfortable talking about their hopes and dreams. Often that kind of sharing comes with trust built over time.
-Kristin
http://www.coupletastic.com
Thanks, Kristin! You’re absolutely right – it often takes time and trust for people to open up – however, sometimes I wonder if reaveling the more vulnerable topics earlier on would lead to trust, either sooner or deeper than what would normally be the case.
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Never underestimate how seemingly trivial details like favorite pizza toppings and favorite colors can endear you to someone. If you brought me my favorite kind of pizza without having to ask . . . well, I’ve made lifelong friends for much less.
I agree with you that openness is a beautiful thing: It fosters trust and understanding. Being vulnerable also allows you to test others’ character, but sometimes at a cost.
This was a wonderful post. I love how your perspective always brings me back to an earlier part of my life and reminds me where I came from. From where I am now, I can’t promise you any happy endings, but it has been a worthy adventure so far!